GUEST POST: The Power of Boundaries
I’m so happy to share this article written by my friend and fellow coach Kimberley Vanderspar at www.versfresh.co.uk
Kimberley is a former magic circle lawyer, a career changer, mother, activist and founder of Vers Career and Life Coaching.
We are often bombarded with irritating proverbs about the importance of setting boundaries. Inspirational quotes, like ‘lack of boundaries invites lack of respect’ and ‘the boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom’ flood our social media pages. These statements promise that setting boundaries will empower us, give us security and reduce anxiety and stress.
But what exactly do we mean by boundaries? How do we go about setting them? And if their value is so obvious, why do we find it so hard to hold to them?
A personal boundary is no different from any other type of boundary – it is a position, clearly identified, established and communicated which should not be crossed out of protection for ourselves and our children, partners, friends and colleagues.
A person with healthy boundaries generally has high self-esteem and self-respect, has equal partnerships in their relationships, makes healthy choices and is able to confidently say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ and not feel offended when someone says ‘no’ in response – that’s the sort of person I want to be!
In contrast a person with unhealthy boundaries can share too much too soon, often feels responsible for others’ happiness, is unable to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment, bases how they feel about themselves on how others treat them and often explodes out of frustration and resentment.
Unhealthy boundaries are ultimately rooted in fear; fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of confrontation, fear of failure and fear of disappointing others.
There are three steps needed to implement boundaries in the workplace: (1) identify them (2) signal them and (3) hold firm to them.
Step 1: Identify them
This is the hardest bit – it requires us to hold a mirror up to ourselves and decide what we want from our work relationships. Although this process sounds daunting and time consuming, there are some boundaries that you can put in place immediately.
As a starter, ask yourself the question, ‘what is it that irritates me about people in the workplace right now?’
Is it the person who constantly calls you up for a gossip about others? Is it the person who takes credit for your own work? Is it the person who undermines you or cuts over you when you’re talking? I have set out some categories of boundaries below that you might find helpful when coming up with your list.
Intellectual boundaries
These are your thoughts, ideas, and opinions; healthy intellectual boundaries require respect for the ideas of other people. They can be crossed when your views or thoughts are undermined. Signalling when your intellectual boundaries have been crossed might sound like:
‘we have a different opinion on this’
‘I’m not sure how constructive this discussion is, shall we move on?’
‘let’s put a pin in this issue for now and pick it up later’
‘I respect that you disagree, but please don’t undermine me’
Emotional boundaries
These are about respecting your emotional energy, i.e. recognising how much emotional energy you can take on and separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s – you should not feel emotionally drained by your colleagues. This also means being aware of the capacity of others to take on your emotions too! This is not to say that we don’t have workplace friendships where we lean on each other for help, you just need to make sure that you are comfortable with where your boundary is.
Work is the number one cause of anxiety and stress – and this can translate into a lot of emotional outpouring at work, where people are in daily contact. Equally, people can get carried away with office gossip thus putting others in an uncomfortable position. Or you may be working with a colleague who is underperforming in the company and they want to talk about it with you.
My job is to listen to people offload, process their emotions, understand how they tick and use all of that information to make a plan for their future. I love this, but it is a paid service – not charity work! Additionally, I am trained in this – it is not fair to ask someone who is ill-equipped to perform this service in terms of time and experience.
Communicating that you need something or can’t help at the moment might sound like:
"I am so sorry you are struggling at the moment. Right now, I also have a lot on my plate and I am not in a place to take in all of this information. Do you think we can come back to this conversation later?"
“I’m not comfortable talking about [x] like this”
"I am having a hard time and really need to talk. Are you in a place to listen right now?"
“I’m probably not the best person to help you with this, but I know of some great resources you can use.”
Crossing emotional boundaries includes dismissing feelings, assuming we know how other people feel, telling other people how they feel or “emotionally offloading" on people without their permission.
Time Boundaries
One of my fundamental beliefs in life is that your time is your most valuable commodity and we live in a world in which our personal time is constantly eroded. Time boundaries require understanding what is truly important to you and setting aside time in your life without overcommitting.
This one is, by a country mile, the hardest for me – and it will come down to the fear of rejection, ‘If I say no to [x] they won’t invite me again’, or ‘I can do it all’ and ‘I want to be at both events!’ – this one has taken a lot of practice, time and diary management and a reminder of why I am doing certain things that has resulted in protecting my time better. I also have done A LOT of work to establish what is truly important to me; my son, my husband, my work, my body, church and my friendships. When I over-invest in any one area, I can end up feeling dissatisfied and resentful.
Healthy time boundaries might sound like:
"We’ve got plans this weekend so I’m not going to be able to make it."
“I would love the experience, but it is important that I deliver on my current commitments – can you come back to me at another time?”
"We have family time on Sundays, so we won't make it."
"I am happy to help with that. My hourly rate is…"
“I know I have been organising this for a while now, but I need to take a step back for the next few months”
“I am available Mondays and Fridays”
Violated time boundaries looks like asking professionals for their time without paying them, cancelling on people at the last minute, demanding time from people, showing up late, keeping people in conversations or on tasks for longer than we told them we would.
Step 2: Signal them
There’s an art to signalling boundaries; it’s not easy and initially you may feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you signal your boundary. Do it anyway and remind yourself you have a right to self-care.
Here’s a simple list of do’s and don’ts:
Do set them when you are calm and feeling assertive
Do ensure that they are clear to other people, using as few words as possible
Do communicate why they are important to you
Do keep the focus on yourself - instead of setting a boundary by saying something like, “You have to stop bothering me after work”, a person can say, “I need some time to myself when I get back from work.”
Do remember to make yourself a priority and persist, especially when you receive pushback
Don’t set them when you are angry - you won’t be heard
Don’t overexplain or apologise - everyone has the right to determine what they do and do not want to do
Don’t take on responsibility for another person’s reaction to your boundary
Step 3: Hold firm – use the Five R’s
No one ever said empowerment came easy!! What do you do when someone pushes on your boundary? Especially when you felt really uncomfortable signalling it in the first place!
My answer is use the five Rs:
Repeat
Return to your rationale
Refuse to let your fears control you
Respond positively to the boundaries of others
Communicate repercussions
Repeat, repeat, repeat. People will not always remember your boundary and that is not their fault, we all have a lot going on. For example, if you say to your colleagues, “I am not available for calls between 7- 7.30pm because I have a personal commitment”, you may need to restate that boundary several times before it is recognised, acknowledged and acted upon. In an ideal world, we would remember this, but we don’t always. So hold firm on it and repeat it in a calm and assertive manner.
Return to the rationale! Why did you put that boundary in place in the first place? My boundary is that I work Tuesday afternoon to Thursday and I am available on Monday, Tuesday morning and Friday with my son. At the weekend, I need one completely clear day with no commitments to spend with my husband. That boundary comes from the three priorities in my life: my role as a mother, my role as a wife and my role as a business owner. That is not to say I don’t have other roles as daughter, wife, sister, friend, church member, cook, cleaner etc. Those roles need to be fulfilled, but the rationale for my time management gives me strength to hold firm on them – especially when a friend invites me for coffee on Thursday afternoon!
Refuse to let fear control you – identify why you’re scared to reinforce the boundary. What is the worst that will happen? If you miss one party and you cease to be friends, perhaps that is a friendship worth letting go? If you miss one call and therefore you miss out on a promotion, perhaps that is a job that you don’t want.
Respect others boundaries – we all push on boundaries a bit without even realising the time work and effort that has gone into that person creating that boundary. For example, I have a friend who doesn’t drink and I know I have gone, ‘oh, go on, just have one – it will loosen you up’. I promise I don’t do this anymore, but I hadn’t even realised that I was pushing on her boundary. I wanted to have fun, I didn’t want to be made to feel like I was being reckless for drinking and made to feel inferior for not looking after my body as well. But none of these were to do with her! They were all to do with me and my insecurities. How I responded to her boundary was my problem. If you want people to respect your boundaries, make sure you respect theirs!
Communicate repercussions - there are times when you have done all the above and people continue to push on your boundaries despite clear signalling and repetition. What do you do then? You need to communicate consequences, and be willing to follow through on them. For example, if someone continues to belittle you in meetings after you have signalled, repeated, explained your reasoning, the consequence may be that you will have to flag this to their line manager. And if you say you would consider doing this, you have to be willing to actually do it. Notably, this is a powerful option that can have unforeseen consequences so should be exercised with caution, but it may be needed to ensure that boundaries are protected.
Boundaries are really hard to identify and put in place – hopefully this gives you a few tips about how to set them - maybe then those inspirational quotes won’t feel so distant. If you would like some help and practical plans for how to identify, signal and hold your boundaries, please get in touch with us either by DM on Instagram or LinkedIn or via our website – www.versfresh.co.uk
Thank you so much to Kimberley for this thought-provoking and useful article. I’d love to know what you think and what techniques you use to keep your boundaries in place. As ever… get in touch.
