Be Your Own Coach
A handy guide on to how to coach yourself
I’ll start with a disclaimer - being a coach myself, I think nothing works better in terms of clarity and motivation than a session or two with a professional coach. That being said, there are plenty of techniques you can use to give yourself (whether that’s in your personal or business life) a real booster.
I also think that the benefits of coaching should be accessible to all. There are gazillions of resources out there - so much so that it can be difficult to know where to begin and you end up feeling overwhelmed before you’ve even started. I can’t condense all this down into a single blog post (sorry).
With that in mind I’ve put together what I hope is a very straightforward process based on one of the most popular coaching models out there. Coaching is designed to give people self belief, motivation, choice, clarity and results. It’s a heady mix and those are some big claims but remember it’s not rocket science - the whole point of what I’ve put together is that it’s clear to use, applicable to whatever circumstance you find yourself in and, most importantly, actually works!
That being said, it will only work if you commit to the process and really throw yourself in with both feet first. Nothing will happen if you do nothing.
Another thing to bear in mind is that there are rarely any quick fixes. BUT there ARE small wins. Small wins not only help you get things done that might have been sitting around for a while, but they create a self-perpetuating cycle of productivity and positivity. They also accumulate; get enough small wins together and you have a medium sized win. Add up a few medium sized wins and you’ll likely have a big win on your hands. It’s a question of constantly chipping away at the tasks in hand.
As with any new skill or way of thinking, adopting a coaching mindset towards yourself and business requires both commitment and practice. It’s a learning process in itself so give it some time before it starts to flow naturally and become part of your everyday working (or living) style. As John Whitmore says in ‘Coaching for Performance’ - the keystone work for the “GROW” model - “roll on the day when the word ‘coaching' disappears from our lexicon altogether and it just becomes the way we relate to one another, and at work too”. In this case the ‘one another’ is actually yourself but the idea still stands. Hopefully you’ll reach the point where coaching yourself just becomes part and parcel of your everyday approach to work.
The two crucial pillars of coaching are awareness and responsibility. Without awareness you don’t know what needs changing and without responsibility you won’t commit to making that change happen. So if you take nothing else away from this, at least remember that awareness and responsibility are your best friends when it comes to change-making!
Awareness comes from focussed attention, concentration and clarity. Go digging around for your blindspots because becoming aware of something means that you can change it.
Responsibility is when you accept the accountability for your own thoughts and actions - importantly, anyone can tell you that you are responsible for something but for it to be truly meaningful then you have to FEEL responsible. And that can only come from within.
Having decided to make a change - having realised that you do have a few blind spots that you want to explore and having accepted that you ultimately have to take responsibility for making that change, how do you actually go about it…?
Ask yourself some questions.
And then take the time to answer them properly. Like I said at the beginning there are no quick fixes, but that shouldn’t put you off.
The GROW model is an easy to remember tool that used with intention, awareness and responsibility, can be very powerful indeed.
G - Goal(s)
R - Reality
O - Options
W - Will
Let’s get stuck in.
G - is for Goal. Where do you want to Go? What do you want to do?
Step one is to set your goal. You may already have this idea in mind or it might be something you need to work on a bit. Sometimes you know you want to change something but you might not know what.
You need to be really clear on this because your goal has to motivate you. It has to be a vision that ignites action. If you aren’t genuinely excited about what you want to achieve then it will be difficult to maintain your motivation in the long run, so a very clear, thoroughly articulated goal is crucial to the whole process. It should be positive, inspiring and challenging.
If you already know what you want to do then take a few minutes to really flesh it out - how will you feel once you’ve achieved it? What does it look like? How will your world have changed once you’ve got there?
And for those of you who haven’t quite put your finger on it, ask yourself very truthfully what you want. Where do you want to be in 6 months time, 12 months or a couple of years? What do you want to look back on and say “Yes! I did that and it was hard work and challenging and fun and unbelievably rewarding?” It might sound cheesy (apologies to those of you who cringe easily) but sit down, close your eyes and give free rein to your imagination.
What is the dream?
What is the outcome?
What does it feel like?
What will it bring to you personally?
What more do you want?
Write it down and take some time to let it sink in.
Next up…
R - for Reality. Where are you Right now?
The most important criterion for examining reality is objectivity. Going back to John Whitmore - “awareness is perceiving things as they really are; self-awareness is recognising those internal factors that distort your own perception of reality, but absolute objectivity does not exist. The best you have is a degree of objectivity, but the closer you can manage the better.”
It is much easier said than done to be objective (or close to objective) when it comes to your own life, but the more honestly you answer the below questions, the better your reality check will be. Importantly, don’t judge yourself- just describe where you are. The more detail you can go into in describing your current situation, the more accurate and therefore objective it is likely to be. Self-criticism is counter-productive in and of itself, and adds a juicy layer of subjectivity that will distort your objective examination of where you actually are.
It might not be that comfortable but compel yourself to think through all the whys and wherefores - the more truthful you are with yourself, the more likely you are to do something about it.
On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the ideal, what number am I at now?
What number would I like to be at?
What am I doing that takes me towards my goal?
What am I doing that takes me away from that goal?
What is my plan so far?
Really delve into what action you have taken up to this point. There is a huge difference between thinking about something and doing something about that something. You may have thought about your goal or predicament for ages but it is only when you ask yourself what you have concretely done about it do you realise that the answer is nothing…
As before, this process can take time both in terms of nailing down the answers and appreciating the conclusions you have come to. So don’t rush.
Moving on when you’re ready…
O - for Options. Are you Open to ideas, perspectives and possibilities?
You don’t need to sit down with the list of answers from your reality check and come up with a solution immediately. The options and ideas you note down now are designed to get your creative juices flowing - you can refine it later. For now, quantity is more important than quality as the more ideas you have to begin with, the more likely you are to find one that sticks.
Time spent on this process (however wild some of your ideas might seem) is always well spent because the options you leave to one side might well end up being your Plan-B. There’s an army quote which says “no plan survives contact with the enemy”. Whilst I doubt that any of you are using the GROW model to march off into battle, it couldn’t be more relevant - there will always be unforeseen circumstances that mean you have to adapt to what life throws your way. Having looked at the alternatives to your Plan A means you will find it far easier to modify your strategy and move on when you come across a curve ball.
Ask yourself:
What could I do?
How could I do that?
What would I do if I could start again with a clean slate?
What are the alternatives?
How can I improve the situation?
How can I reduce any risks?
What else can I do?
Also remember to look outside the bubble of your own thoughts and ask:
Who could help me with this?
Where could I find more information?
Who would be good at doing this and what would they do?
What would my best friend tell me to do?
What else??
Just keep repeating that last killer question - what else, what else, what else???
Just as with the other stages, take some time to go through this as thoroughly as you can, make notes and don’t hurry. Once you’re satisfied you’ve gone through all the ‘what elses’, then move on…
W - Will. What Will you do?
All this thinking and note taking you’ve been doing is a brilliant start but without converting it into real action, then what it becomes is a glorified wish list.
Without taking action, this wishlist will sit on your desk or stuck to your fridge/ bathroom mirror/ white board until it becomes so sad and crumpled that you have to write it down all over again. But rewriting the list means it is still there to be done and if you’re not going to do anything, what is the point of rewriting it? Don’t feel guilty - just cross it out and move on. The critical question you therefore have to ask yourself is what you will 110% commit to that will move you a bit closer to that goal.
Have another look at your “Goal” before you start this - remind yourself of what it is you are so excited to achieve. A quick refresher at this stage will work wonders for your focus and determination.
Review your “Reality” notes so that you have a healthy dose of objectivity and then your “Options” to make sure you have all your different ideas flying around in your mind before diving into the “What I Will do”.
Take responsibility for your actions and only write down those things you know you really are going to do.
There are a lot of questions here because answering questions is how you gain clarity - the Holy Grail of coaching. Ideally answer them all if you can, but if not then as a minimum go through those 7 I have marked with a star.
How will this action serve my goal? *
What will I do? * (Be as clear, descriptive and accurate as you possibly can be on this.)
When will I do it? * (Setting a timeframe makes it more real - don’t let yourself off the hook by making this a ‘someday’ action!!)
What is the very first step? *
What problems might I meet along the way? (Don’t let problems be excuses for not doing something. Find ways to work around them.)
What resistance do I have in myself to doing this? * (Often internal barriers are more daunting than the external ones.)
How will I know this is right?
What support do I need and who else needs to know what I am doing?
Is there anything else I need to consider? Anything else AT ALL?
On a scale of 1-10, how committed am I to doing this? *
How can I make this commitment a 10? *
Heady stuff if you promise yourself that you will do everything you say you will.
And finally, check in with yourself and hold yourself accountable for those promises. Once you have your “Will” list ready to go, set a time and a date to review your progress and as with “R for Reality”, take a good honest look at where you are now compared to where you were when you set your goal. If you have stuck to your “W” plan, you will have made progress and you will be seeing how powerful willpower, honesty and responsibility are as a combination. You might have made a couple of course corrections as you go along, but you will have got the ball rolling in an almighty way and should rightfully be feeling very proud of yourself.
